Yo, Put on Some Sandals

infinite goof

shine on, you crazy diamond

5/30/2003 01:36:00 AM

ahh. i decided to start drawing an hour ago and i just now came back to reality. hehe. things are pretty fuzzy. i learn new things everyday and more and more i question whether they mean anything. even crazy emergent things, like how evolution and physics and computation and knowledge are all related. i used to think that those were where i'd find virtue, that to swim around in those ideas and understand them and put my own twist on them was enough. i still have my bright eyes though, i don't think i'll ever give those up. it's just that i'm trying to figure out the answers to questions that can't really be put into words. why i am i doing all of these things? that's almost the rub. why is anyone doing all of these things? has everyone just acquiesed to being shackled to these jobs? how many people actually enjoy their life... all of it? is it nature or nurture which makes people suffer? is it nature or nurture which makes people aware that they suffer? is it nature or nurture which prevents them from saying, "fuck suffering. i'm blowing this popstand. i'm walking to costa rica. i'm gonna build a sail boat with my bare hands and i'm going to sail wherever the wind takes me."?

i guess that's the rub. the only problem is how to solve it. er... not the nature/nurture question, but the important one... yeah, the one involving cursing. anyway, the tao doesn't have any good handles. all i can do is scoop some in my hands and drink quickly before it drains through my fingers... should just go swimming. yup, but a grin is a pretty good cup for now. :)

5/28/2003 11:00:00 PM

sometime between being woken up from a very cool dream (about lions and plywood and violins) and actually getting up i decided i wasn't thinking/drinking nearly enough. so i asked for my old job back... yeah, brain grinding... and hopefully i can learn some biochemistry. by which i mean i will start a secret liquid nitrogen smuggling operation for my own laboratory where i can do crazy physics experiments all the live long day! *nods* aye carumba, it's easy to see how being bitter and cynical could become a way of life. but violin music in my dream! that's a new one. i can't wait 'til i start getting orangutans wailing on electric guitars.

gotta shrug off the minor incidents. and i'll keep pennying the wishing wells for wishing well and humming in the wind to air mail some grin...d?

5/27/2003 11:36:00 PM

cursors! i just killed my post. it had a little poem and psychotic babblings and everything. oh well. at least i have very dancable music... not that i'm dancing or anything... no, i'm not having a seizure! geez... when the road rises up to meet you all you can do is sprint. and look at the birds instead of the pavement. the only difference between being peachy and being tangerine is a little fuzziness... at least when you're fasting, having nothing to prove and nothing to lose.

5/27/2003 12:30:00 AM

gwah. it feels like someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat and then stirred my brain with a well polished silver spoon thus getting lots of nice silver cleaning chemicals in there.... in the best possible way of course. no, i will not describe my day! hehe, she makes me smile so much. sweet jesus! ... something in my liberty.

5/25/2003 11:46:00 PM

all you need is love.

5/25/2003 12:13:00 PM

mmm the bitter aftertaste of 14hr workday. i'm not really cut out for building suburbia with my barehands, it's all about barefeet! ... gah, threadbare beyond belief. *cracks up* no more pain-a-licious thinking for now. i'll go play with electricity! not in the bathtub though, that would be dangerous. better do it in the frog pond... just breathe.

5/23/2003 12:58:00 AM

people look different in the rain. i think it clears their sinuses or something. they can smell wonderment. i catch this hint of a grin on their faces and they catch mine. then before anyone notices we've shared some secret and are foolishly trying to hide the stupid smiles which might tell the adults that we're up to something. in the rain all the faces start to look the same... they're just human, that's it. and that's what i see when i look at them. that's why they shake their smiling heads as i take a running leap onto the back of my cart filled with blueberry bagels and ride it down the hill. that's why my hood is blown back and the rain writes messages on my eyelids, glowing warm... yeah, realist, i tell you! perception is wack and i can't help imagining. especially with blueberry bagels! geez, why the heck would you be confined to traditional reality when there're bagels to be... cheesed. hehe, every moment...

5/22/2003 12:45:00 AM

hrm... well that was only very little me. it's all stops and starts, slips and slides, pieces of peace. is this really happening to me? oh well. won't help at all... yeah. i just feel like my connection with people is a little bit different. hehe, i want to see the best in them! it seems like balance is peace. single-mindedness and stubborness make you stronger. but balance makes you wiser. even if choosing one side or the other is more appealing. heh, it's a balance within a balance within a balance... all on a tightrope. dah, i'll pretend to sleep now. everything is so funny. hrm, wonder wings...

5/20/2003 11:49:00 PM

*cracks up* life is very strange. so i'm trying to read some stuff about buddhism. luckly la bibliotecta has a well-coded searchamabob. however, we are often met with unexpected dilemmas. like this... "Sorry, could not find anything matching The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life." bummer. especially since i've heard so much about thich nhat hanh? hrm, it's not a good sign that richard greer and the dalai lama are the first two buddhists that come to mind (excl the original of course). and no my search for enlightenment was not a joke. and no i'm not becoming a buddhist. and no i... well... okay, maybe i'll shave my head :) but that's where my newfound religious fundamentalism stops!! ... er... that and the eerie urge to walk into crowded southern baptist churches and yell "free tibet" at the top of my lungs.

aie, i'm remarkably coherent right now. i should do something remarkable before... i had the wackiest dream. i was on a boat and someone told me to go get 'insert name of pettype thing.' so i walked around the dock and there was this bull with glowing red eyes. i ran like there was a demon bull after me..uh...yeah. then i turned around and it was just a dog happily wagging it's tail. that's about the time i decided to jump in the ocean and swim for madagascar. anywho, aw crap, i think i just lost my coherency. hehe, it's funny that decoherence is the name for observation of a quantum state. as if everything is perfectly clear, then suddenly someone decides to look at you and decoherency ensues. blah. hehe, i dunno. i wish... i wish... i knew what to do. other than babble about quantum physics... because as interesting as it is... schrodeingerabaherrer *cough*...his cat... samsara. hehe, gotta practice pronking. why oh why...

5/19/2003 09:51:00 PM

aie, sugar makes the world go 'round. i think i get to do some work tomorrow... real work, that is. i bet i learn some spanish too!

...so the little prince was captured by the yam people. they may have appeared benevolent at first glance, but the whole time they were using a very special form of mental torture on the lad. he knew that screaming would do no good, fighting would only prolong the torture. but blind as he was, he never lost sight of what was important. his starchy-sweet captors often wondered why he hummed, if such a being could be said to wonder. what they didn't know was that the prince was hatching a plot. no one could have imagined his resolve. he still had to cross the deserts of enuj and the oceans of yluj before he reached the grassy plains of tsugua, and he wasn't about to give up; he wasn't about to forget. life is to be lived, and you learn something from everthing, even if it's painful. this realization didn't prevent his chains from laughing at him though. the only thing that did that was his laughing back. each of the links fears it is the weakest and gets pretty darn self conscious if it thinks you're laughing at it. there's always choice. some say that freewill can't be proven. and sure there may not be a scientific proof but there is a proof. it's not because anything you believe will come true, but that anything that is true must eventually be believed. how the heck does that prove freewill? well..umm... eat more sweet potatoes!! all you need is water and love. er... maybe that's for the potato. all you need is water, love, sweet potatoes, jellybeans, and.... and a grin (almost forgot the most important part :).

hrm, can't write well. i blame society... and my 4th grade english teacher who tried to make me write with my left brain tied behind my back. i think she misunderstood the concept of plasticity... that bunsen burner may have done wonders for my aural hygeine but i don't think it melted my brain into a better form... my neurons only melt for sun-like temperatures... or at least sunshine.

5/19/2003 01:17:00 AM

hehe, someone just drove past blasting this very cool fairy tale like music... when it does matter, all you have to do is grin... and i'm overflowing with it all. even if all i can do is dream of building sand castles.

5/17/2003 11:14:00 PM

...wake up, ian... (uh that wasn't because there was a java error or anything *whistles inconspicuously*)

5/17/2003 11:02:00 PM

bleh. i saw some peepoly from high school today. we did karaoke... which is a lot like hari kari. then we had mexican... which was tasty. it was strange. no, not my rendition of 'killing me softly,' although that was pretty strange. no, not the chicken burritos, although i was sorta thirsting guacamole. no, not... oh... just made me realize some things. i'm not exactly sure what they are yet. i think one of them might be that school doesn't mean anything and if you let yourself get too much into it you forget why you're going to school... because it's a convenient place to ask yourself whether or not you're on the lily pad. *shrug* you learn something from everyone and everything. i wonder if jello still congeals if you keep stirring it while it cools.

it's funny how people's faces aren't at all right when i'm dreaming. i just know it's them. ooh, i gotta make an EEG sometime... and i don't know why dreams fascinate me so much. wait, maybe i do. but i'm not telling youuu!!! i'm questioning why the heck i would tell you all this stuff... or why you'd want to hear it. *cracks up* i need a collision, a transformation. tadpoles can't get onto the pad until they grow feets ya know : ) ... guess i'm doing fine though. i wish i could help with boxes... because they're so many riddles to be solved.

5/17/2003 01:20:00 AM

make it stoooop!!! i'm being taken hostage by sequence puzzles... i bet you thought it was some deep emotional dilemma, hehe. but no, just digits poking my brain to see if it's ripe

2, 12, 1112, 3112, 132112, 1113122112, 311311222112, 13211321322112, 1113122113121113222112, 31131122211311123113322112...

and the even more fiendish

1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 77, 145, 668, 1345, 6677, 13444, 55778, ...
1, 3, 7, 12, 18, 26, 35, 45, 56, 69, 83, ...
2, 3, 3, 5, 10, 13, 39, 43, 172, 177, ...

only two of which i got (i almost got the last one though, i swear!). is it good or bad that playing with numbers makes me giddy (in the most manly way possible of course)? everything is so understandable when it's floating around in number form. for a second those crazy integers had me convinced that other things were understandable too, but it's not understandable at all, not even close, just mandalawala, which is fine by me... hrm, i'm having delusions which suggest that i have more to say... but sleep knows the truth. so off to dreams of dancing on the moon... how?... pi power... blueberry of course. yup.

5/16/2003 12:13:00 AM

mrh, long day's journey into night piercing my brain. do you ever forget that you did something the same day that you did it? that's not a good sign for ye olde linear model of time. i gotta get back to reading cool stuff. noooooo. *falls on knees and gestures helplessly towards the weather demons* i'm a sinner in the hands of an eclipse-hating god.

5/14/2003 11:27:00 PM

hehe, i'm hypnotized by this song. built to spill - distopian dream girl. mhm. i think i'm an artist at heart. i should be scribbling a song on the back of a napkin outside of a waffle house under the harsh glow of halogen lights and the gulping down lungfuls of opressive humidity, but instead i'm sitting behind a desk typing away, dragged around by muad'ib here when i should be the one 'pointing the way.' no wonder.

i applied to a bread factory today! yup. that would be sooo cool. well, maybe. at least i could come up with some rockin' puns for when people ask me 'what i do'... no you can't ask for examples!... well, "i get baked"? or maybe just the enigmatic "pumpernickel"? whatever. obnoxious frog.

5/13/2003 11:40:00 PM

hrm... i'm rethinking the "it's perfectly alright" part of "so much goes unspoken." but oh well, just the way that it is. hehe... it's really strange. i guess, before i was around people so much it was easy to get drunk with virtue and science, but now my mind keeps drifting off to these other things which just make me sad. nothing bad has every happened to me. featureless featureless. even the plains of godot had a frickin' tree. blah. sour.

what can i do...? first step, stop catering to existentialism, of course! i wonder if the anguish really is just the blind byproduct of a culture which no longer has apprenticeship. definitely toooo sober. i know i'm wrong about so much, but i've nowhere to be but now and nowhere to go but tomorrow... ooh! i gotta watch the lunar eclipse on thursday. * does lunar eclipse/anti-depression dance *

5/12/2003 11:54:00 PM

bullfrog buddha.

* cracks up * people are the greatest. i wonder if i'll be a crackpot or a sage... their not mutually exclusive! yes, yes indeed. another day in the life of a fool. *hums... grin* so much goes unspoken, and it's perfectly alright... let's see if i can learn somethings.

5/12/2003 12:57:00 AM

i had this somewhat strange dream last night. i was waiting in line to get a movie ticket. everyone kept moving past me. i guess i was catatonic or something. anyway i finally got up to the desk and the guy behind the counter takes one look at me, indifferent, and leaves. i'm sorta confused so i step to the side to try to see where he went. then the person behind me takes my spot at the counter. there's no pushing or shoving, just complete and utter indifference. then for some reason i decide to tell whoever's behind the counter what i need a ticket to, even though there's no one there anymore. everyone just sorta laughs at me. and then (from somewhere) you hide your face in my shoulder while i blush profusely. and that's about when i woke up.

i guess i have a different libretto... i just wish there was some way that i could solve all of these problems. if only i could accept this philosophy which everything points to as true, which i've known to be true since i was about 15. i can avoid the question all i want, but i'm stuck in the valley as long as i do. holy crap! hehe... i like the way my brain makes connections between things, and i've got to start winking at strangers, giving them looks like we're conspirators, like we alone know some sacred, utterly foolish secret. because we really are more alike than i ever supposed.

5/11/2003 01:51:00 AM

and i get the funny feeling that this thing may be addictive. it's push-button karma without the meditation. and if i use my fingers instead of my brain i'll end up samsara swimming. good thing i'm amphibious.

5/11/2003 01:41:00 AM

what can i do...
everything always gets so fuzzily clear
i'll start with sleep-change
oh yeah! i just remembered a supercool quote:

evolution is a bulldozer disguised as a stationary-bike; history's exactly the other way.

5/10/2003 10:34:00 PM

feels like i'm on fire. and i'm definitely back where i started... but with more willpower. hehe, i'm going to try to figure out how noise cancellation works. and then i'm going to try to figure out how radio control works. and then i'm going to build a radio-controlled hovering sound-cancellation jellyfish-bot? hopefully i can hang on to this small amount of gumption which has apparently come from mowing the lawn. yay, for serotonin!

i still have to consciouslly remind myself that "it's all okay," but i'm getting there. houston is a lot more brown than atlanta. atlanta summer is overwhelmingly green. it's like we're living inside some giant greehouse, up to our chins in green matter, wading in dew drenched grass, draped in thickets of lawless leaves.

haircut city ever since
blossoms and blood
began making the bed

but with a cup of reason
and a pinch of love
sunshine through open windows
will always dry our tears

breaking down the walls
and building temples-
for quiet songs

noooo, grr. crazy words. i'm just a sunset soapbox poet. and then (and i deserve it) people take some soap out of the box and wash my mouth out with it. tastes sorta like boca burgers surprisingly. darn you, food acting like it's not what it is! why can't soy beans just be soy beans? probably because they're genetically engineered. why can't genetic engineers be satisfied with normal soybeans? probably because they have allergies. why don't they cure their allergies? probably because... uh... it's too late for you, question-boy! sleep now.

5/10/2003 01:19:00 AM

er... all frustration and no positive reinforcement make ian... hey! no need for adjectives. yipee!...although tangerine fits everywhere.

5/10/2003 01:14:00 AM

mmm, ice cream with witty relatives and humidity. i'll have to remember how to be poetic sometime. everything just feels so featureless. there's not really anything to separate one day from the next. i guess i'll start trying... *hums* for reasons known only to the dust mites.

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